Perfectionist? Get A New Goal! A Message for Rosh HaShanah

Rabbi Lisa Sari Bellows

Get a New Goal

Rosh Hashanah 5774 2013

It may come as a surprise to you that as the High Holy Days approach many rabbis around the country go into, what I would call, an annual panic. It’s a madness which a friend recently described as preparing for an annual review by several hundred supervisors simultaneously. During this period, my rabbinic colleagues and I call each other to discuss, share, debate, and obsess about our sermon themes and ideas. We want to offer the perfect idea and say exactly the right thing. We are highly critical of ourselves yet offer encouragement and praise to one another.  For the past 18 years, my High Holiday routine involves sequestering myself at the corner coffee-shop with a head full of thoughts and a blank foreboding computer screen. I get a cup of coffee and sit down, check FaceBook, send a text, look at email and then do a little work...think for several minutes, write...check FaceBook... send a text...Look at what I wrote, get annoyed with what I wrote and start the process all over again.

One day last week, I called for my husband Kyle to come meet me right away.  He’s quite familiar with the drill.  When he arrived, he sat down and said,  “Okay, what are you writing about?” I answered,  “How nobody is perfect and there is no such thing as perfection.” “Great,” He said.  “Let me hear it.” I replied,’ I can’t, I wrote only three paragraphs in the last three hours and they’re horrible.” He laughed, said “that’s pretty ironic” and went to get himself an iced tea. 

I take a great amount of pride in what I do and wanted to knock out a masterpiece - the perfect sermon about perfectionism.

It is common for people to want to succeed and to do great things. Striving for improvement is important; of course we should try to do our best, but when our best wont do, or is not good enough; it does not serve us.   When the goal is perfection we need to get ourselves a new goal.  And the thing is, most of us know this, I know this. I even teach it and preach it, but like so many of us,  just don’t do it.  In Jewish tradition, perfection is neither an expectation nor a goal.  In the Book of Deuteronomy we read, "Surely this instruction that I am giving you this day is not too baffling for you, nor is it beyond reach. It is not in the heavens, that you should say, "Who among us can go up to the heavens and impart it to us that we may observe it?"  The Torah, the mitzvot, the laws and commandments, the ways and means of living a good and a ethical life are not beyond us.  They are not impossible for us to follow!  They are doable and most of them are not really a stretch.   We are not presented with impossible laws to follow. We are given a blueprint for living a good life and it is a design that we are able to follow.  The Torah teaches us that we have all we need to be successful.  We don't have to look beyond ourselves, or to others or to a quick fix--no, we have all we need to be okay and the Torah reminds us that we are capable of being and becoming our best self.  And that, not perfection,  is what is expected of us. Nothing more. Nothing less. 

The Sages tell us (Talmud - Berachot 5b) that whether one does more or less is insignificant. What one actually accomplishes in the world is in the hands of God. (AISH.com, commentary on Emor) We have control over little but our attitude and how we direct our heart.  What is important, and what matters our sages teach us, is that our heart be directed towards goodness, towards the path of righteousness, mitzvot and fulfillment of our truest self and potential. 

For certain, our problems and transgressions can not be left alone or ignored, they matter and need to be worked on and self-improvement and relationship building is and should be an ongoing expectation, but if the end goal is perfection, Healing will never be achieved.  

The great football coach Vince Lombardi said,  “Practice does not make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect.” What a great motto! Unfortunately, there are very few instances in life where we can actually be perfect.  Perfection is a fallacy, an illusion.  It is a construct designed to counteract the damning messages of self-hate we all have.  You know those messages of the inner critic.  The messages that we tell ourselves-- that I am too short or too tall, too fat or too scrawny, too dumb or too smart not living up to my true potential, too poor...you know exactly what I am talking about. With these messages of self-hate comes the idea that we are terribly damaged and therefore will never be or do not deserve to be happy. And so, the natural conclusion, whether consciously or not, is that if we can achieve perfection, we will have the evidence we need to contradict the merciless prosecution from within and our problems will be over.  If only we could achieve perfection.   The problem with this thinking, is that it is completely unattainable,  and that no matter what we accomplish, we either diminish our achievements or set it as a new benchmarks that we now must surpass in order to validate ourself worth.  And so We never are satisfied and put ourselves on a vicious cycle of restlessness and discontentment.  It is an unbearable way to live.  When we do live like this, when we expect perfection we disturb ourselves and those who live with us. “The man who never makes mistakes loses a great many chances to learn something.” said Thomas Edison.  And the one who does not allow herself to admit the humanity in making a mistake fails to see the beauty and reality of her own existence. 

Sadly, The more we strive for perfection ourselves, the more we put perfection as our goal, the more we risk alienation and aloneness and feel frustrated and defeated. And likewise, the more perfection we expect from those around us, the more disappointment and resentment we experience.  The cycle continues and then, we will never be able to be our truest-selves. 

Again, in Jewish Tradition, Perfection is neither a goal nor an expectation not only because following mitzvot and living an ethical life are not beyond our reach, but also because we understand that our nature has the potential to do both good and bad.  Although we are born with a pure soul, which we can return to and are urged to do so each day and every moment, we are also taught that we have the inclination to do that which is not good for us. We have the evil inclination--the yetzer harah and it is always seeking our attention.  God knows we have both good and evil intentions and at the end of the day sometimes the best that we can hope for is that the scales of good and evil are balanced and that we have caused no harm. 

This high holy day season is reserved for introspection and an examination of exactly how we have used our intentions and of how the scales have balanced.  We admit our imperfections and we ask for forgiveness. For healing to happen we acknowledge that we have all held ourselves and our loved ones up to an unattainable standard. That unlike the Torah, we expect more than what is possible and it is our obligation to attempt to come to an understanding and an acceptance that like ourselves, others are also fallible.   And the standards that they put on us, and that we put on them are more often then not, unattainable.  And they get in the way in our relationships. 

We seek perfection so that we can have connection and love in our lives. Ironically, it is when we fail and suffer humiliation or loss that we develop the empathy necessary to feel compassion and connectedness to others, instead of pity which allows us to feel superior yet isolated. 

Tradition teaches us that before we enter the sanctuary at Yom Kippur, before we can come to ask God for forgiveness, we must go to all those around us and ask them for forgiveness for the things that we have done to them. For the pain, hurt and sadness we might have caused them.  For the wrongs we have done to them.  And likewise, we are to forgive them for the damage, insults and injuries they have done to us.  But none of this can happen without forgiving ourselves first.  In order for  one to forgive the imperfections of others, one must be able to forgive his or her own imperfections.  When we do this, when we recognize and accept our imperfections--our brokenness, our mistakes, all our transgressions and failures--then and only then, will we begin to feel complete. 

Self-love, care and allowing yourself to be human is to live a good life.  It is powerful and liberating.   

In the beginning of the Torah portion that we read on Yom Kippur, Nitzavim, Moses says that the covenant is given to ‘those who are standing here with us this day and with those who are not with us here this day.’ One metaphor for ‘standing here this day’ means being present.  God is speaking to all of us--those who are present to the moment, aware and awake to their lives. It also can mean to be strong and with our head held high.  and ‘With those who are not here this day’, might mean, with those who have fallen away, those who have strayed, who are not connected to their truest or highest self or who have had misfortune befall on their home and who are knocked to their knees.  To those who are standing... to those who have fallen.  God says, I am speaking to you.  I am here.  

Life is about Standing, being present, and it is about falling down, stumbling and then getting back up again.  Knowing that we fall down is is to know we are imperfect and that we fail or life fails us sometimes.  Falling down is a given.  We are down at times. But to get back up! That is the victory! That is where LIFE is to be found...even though we will fall again.  

Fall Down, Get Up, Fall Down Get up.  It is not about being perfect, or always standing strong. 

In hopes of leading a life with more wholeness and peace, a life of more ease and joy, we have to forgive ourselves for our false and unrealistic expectations of ourselves.  We have to try and stop that voice that at times tells us we are nothing, and we have to love ourselves with a beautiful, merciful love.   When we do this, we will see that the world is suddenly a lot kinder to us.  And it is certainly more hospitable. 

I reflect a lot on shutting out that inner critic inside my head and maybe you do too.  A few weeks agoI wrote this prayer to help prepare for the Holy Days during the month of Elul:     

To The One To Whom I Belong:  for the mistake of self-hate, for the mistake of criticizing and judging my body-Your beautiful work of creation, for the mistake of not resting when I so desperately need it, for the mistake of always thinking others come first, for the mistake of not believing in my own vision, mission, purpose and for the mistake of forgetting that I am forever in your divine embrace… For failing to see that being good enough is enough. and for turning a blind eye to the beauty that is within me and shining all around me, I forgive myself.  With Your Blessing and Your Love. 

May 5774 be a year of compassion for ourselves, empathy for others, and freedom from the pain of striving for perfection. 

Ken Yehi Ratzon. May This Be God’s Will 

originally published in rabbibellows.wordpress.com