Taming the Green Eyed Monster – Girlfriend Style

My friend Stacy has been known to say something to the effect of, “Your butt looks great in those jeans, I’m so jealous.”  I adore Stacy.  Not just because she periodically compliments my butt rather because she is willing to admit that she’s jealous.  She puts it right on the line.  After observing this behavior of hers I realized that I frequently feel jealousy but don’t often admit to it and in fact I will silently search for a flaw in the person that I’m jealous of.  I’m ashamed to admit it yet I think that I’m not alone in these thoughts and feelings. 

Another friend asked me recently why some of her friends don’t seem happy for her success, won’t compliment her, and seem to avoid her as she starts to fly.  Unfortunately, I think it’s for the same reasons that I look for flaws or am embarrassed to admit that I’m jealous.  The truth is that it can be hard to be happy for others when you aren’t feeling so great about yourself.  It just doesn’t seem fair that they are more successful, happier, more attractive, lucky, gifted, etc.  It also seems to highlight those areas that we feel most insecure about.  

Yet here’s what I’ve also learned since befriending Stacy and other wonderful women like her, being happy for others takes absolutely nothing away from you.  In fact, once you get over your own insecurities and unhappiness and start celebrating the success of others, you start to feel better about yourself.   It actually feels oddly good to admit to jealousy and insecurity, to just be yourself and own how you feel and why you feel that way.  You start to feel sincerely happy for someone else and want the same thing for yourself.  

Here’s the other thing about complimenting and celebrating with that friend of yours; she needs you.  We have all been that teen girl who frequently feels ugly, insecure, unimportant or unloved and that girl grows up to be a woman who still struggles with fears and insecurities.  Trust me, it took a lot for her to dive in and build that business, or start a new job, or get healthy, or quit smoking, or find a partner who is perfect for her.  She has been scared and unhappy just like you and it will mean the absolute world to her for you to give her that compliment, to recognize her success, and to celebrate with her. 

It’s easy to tear others down to say, “Who does she think she is?” and similar mean girl type of insults.  Is that who you really want to be?  How powerful would women be if we stopped pulling each other down and instead found things to support in each other?  How much better would you feel about yourself if you found something wonderful to compliment in the women around you?  Wouldn’t you want the same for yourself?  And just think of the messages we would be sending our daughters if they watched us help each other fly.

Lisa Kaplin is a life coach and psychologist at www.smartwomeninspiredlives.com

You can reach her at Lisa@smartwomeninspiredlives.com