Exclusive Patch Interview with God Particle

Having been discovered less than one week ago, Higgs Boson (aka “The God Particle”) has been the topic du jour for several jours in a row now. The elusive elementary particle – first postulated in 1964 but having remained a subatomic recluse until last week – in fact sought me out, both because of my understanding of “physics-y stuff” like x-rays and – far more importantly – my role as an esteemed Patch blogger. He was even kind enough to grant me an exclusive interview yesterday, and I have transcribed our conversation below:

CK: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Boson. Or may I call you Higgs?

HB: Please call me Higgs. Only the neighborhood kids call me Mr. Boson. [laughs]

CK: OK then, Higgs, just to get the Patch readers up to date, you are obviously quite the big deal given that you are known as “The God Particle”. . .

HB: Please stop, Dr. K., you’re embarrassing me. [blushes] I’m really just an ordinary everyday elementary particle, no more special than a lepton or one of those good-for-nothing quarks. But continue praising me if you must. . .

CK: Well as I understand it – and feel free to correct me if I misspeak – proof of your existence was needed to fully explain the Big Bang theory, specifically how mass could be created from nothingness. And now that we have this proof, please tell my loyal Patch readers – both of them – what you have been doing for the past nearly 50 years.

HB: Well, having been created during the wild and turbulent 1960s, I not surprisingly fell in with the whole “hippie scene” of the time. I spent much of that decade specifically warning John Lennon NOT to claim that his band was bigger than me. But of course he listened to Yoko instead! [guffaws, slaps hands on knees]

CK: That must have been quite discouraging. And once the Beatles broke up and good music was replaced by that horrid disco crap, what did you do next?

HB:  [Shifts uncomfortably in chair] Please remember that this was the 1970s, so, um, drugs. Lots of drugs. Lots and lots of drugs. Heaping mounds of cocaine to be specific. But I also did some work on the Equal Rights Amendment. An elementary particle is every bit as important as a man, right? Unfortunately, we both know how the ERA turned out. But I did get to have some really awesome amazingly kinky subatomic sex with Gloria Steinem. So not a total waste of my time. Not at all. Very good memories.

CK: This ancient history is fascinating, Higgs, simply fascinating, but I’m far more interested in what’s been happening with you since the dawn of the 21st century. Specifically, what were you doing this past July 4th when you were officially “outed”?

HB: After Gloria and I parted ways, I really started to enjoy my anonymity. In fact just a couple of years ago, I decided to move to where I thought would be the least likely place I’d ever be identified: Petersburg, Kentucky, home of the Creation Museum. I was 100% convinced that this town which was willing to harbor an institution whose sole purpose is to promote the fantasy that the universe is only 6,000 old wouldn’t have the slightest clue how to comprehend me. I was certain I’d be safe there. Unfortunately, I didn’t take into account that European scientists – who grew up in environments free from similar silly roadside attractions – would indeed be clever enough to find me. So here I am. [sighs]

CK: Well thank you so much for your time today, Higgs. I know you’re a very busy particle, and I sincerely appreciate your willingness to speak with me. As you’re probably aware, your discovery has also led to quite a bit of Higgs Boson humor, this faux interview a lame attempt at such. Do you have a favorite joke about yourself?

HB: Why yes, yes I do. Higgs Boson walks into a bar and asks everyone to take part in an act of penitence. “What are you doing?!?” asks the bartender. “Giving mass.” [smiles broadly]