Is it Teasing or Bullying? Yes, There is a Difference.
“How many of you have ever been teased?”
When I ask this question to elementary-age students, almost every hand goes up. When I inquire about what teasing is, they consistently reply, “Teasing is when someone makes fun of you, hurts your feelings, or calls you names.” The follow-up question is, “How many of you have ever been bullied?”
Few, if any, children raise their hands. Not to minimize bullying, however, I learned many years ago, that we need to see teasing and bullying on a continuum, rather than using the terms interchangeably….especially with young children.
Teasing can take many forms, from playful and jovial, to demeaning and hurtful, and all the way to hateful and abusive. It is helpful to explain to children that fun and friendly teasing involves having fun with someone.
Friendly teasing causes everyone to laugh and smile. Many children are surprised to learn that joking around can be friendly teasing, because they generally perceive teasing as negative and hurtful. Many of you might tease your kids in a fun, friendly, and affectionate way.
Cruel and hurtful teasing involves making fun of someone. It includes ridicule, name-calling, putdowns, verbal insults, and gesturing, as well as annoying actions. Cruel teasing also includes exclusion. Some of these subtle and often hard-to-see behaviors are alienation, gossip, rumor-mongering, the silent treatment, eye-rolling, glares, and stares.
Although these behaviors peak in the middle school years, they are also occurring very frequently in pre-school and elementary school settings. Children may be purposely excluded from a game or activity or told they cannot sit at a certain place at the lunch table. These behaviors are often referred to as "mean girls" behavior, however, boys can be involved as well.
Unfortunately, there is no general rule of thumb for determining when teasing is likely to become harmful, because not all kids will take the same words, gestures, or other behavior the same way. What is hurtful for one child may not hurtful for another. If we view teasing on a continuum, there is affectionate and friendly teasing on one end and abusive teasing, taunting, and bullying on the other.
FRIENDLY TEASING > HURTFUL TEASING > HOSTILE TEASING/BULLYING
Some experts view the difference between teasing and bullying as only a matter of degree. When cruel teasing and taunting occur repeatedly over time, these behaviors can be considered bullying. Bullying is characterized by an imbalance of power. The bully is usually bigger, older, smarter, or stronger socially and verbally. Or the power imbalance can be created by having a group victimize one person. The goal is to exert power over the victim.
Bullying is often thought of as visible and observable physical aggression such as hitting, pushing, slapping, kicking, poking, pulling hair, biting, shoving, threatening with a weapon, stealing, or destroying possessions. Some bullies may use physical force to get their way.
However, most bullying is actually verbal. Verbal bullying includes repeated name-calling, hostile teasing and taunting, slurs regarding race, sexual orientation, and religion, and abusive remarks that are sexual in nature. Consistent exclusion and ongoing "mean girls" behavior are also considered bullying.
Technology has increased opportunities for abusive texts, e-mails, websites, and postings on social media. Bullying is deliberate, and the hostile and abusive words and actions are intended to harm…whether it be face-to-face or electronically.
Bullying often begins as mild teasing as the bully carefully searches for a vulnerable target. Once the bully gets a rise out of his or her target, the teasing usually escalates and becomes more intense and persistent. When children are able to respond to teasing with tools and words that empower them to react quickly, effectively, and confidently, they are less likely to become victims of bullies!
Stay tuned for the “Easing the Teasing” strategies!
About the blogger: Judy S. Freedman, a licensed clinical social worker and bullying prevention specialist, is the author of Easing the Teasing – Helping Your Child Cope with Name-Calling, Ridicule, and Verbal Bullying.' She lectures and conducts workshops for parents, educators, and mental health professionals throughout the country. She recently spoke at the National PTA Convention in San Jose, California. Learn more about Judy and her work at www.easingtheteasing.com.
McCloud
4:18 pm on Thursday, July 26, 2012
Is there a reason for the obsession with Bullying? Not sure what brought it about, but we have far too many problems in this world like poverty, hunger, foreclosures, government credit downgrades, recession, murders, mass murders, ... I coud go on. Time for little Timmy to toughen up, and Timmy's mom to stop offering him corn, peas or something else should he not like the prior two. Timmy should learn he's not that special and listen to the following: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lfxYhtf8o4
B
3:06 pm on Friday, August 3, 2012
Although I do think that commencement speech was brilliant (and I'm a teen here) and that parents need to stop coddling their children, bullying remains an issue. While I do agree that murders, poverty, hunger, and the economy are very important issues that should be addressed, bullying is something that parents can prevent at home just by talking to their kids. While that might be difficult for some parents in this area, having a candid conversation about the effects of bullying while your kid is still young can be the beginning of change for a younger generation. Maybe show them this clip or see the movie:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1g9RV9OKhg
Long Grove
5:28 pm on Thursday, July 26, 2012
McCloud spoken like a true bully!
Lake Forest
6:09 pm on Thursday, July 26, 2012
We've lost Many children in the last two years. So, yes, there IS a very good reason for the article.
cannon
6:26 pm on Thursday, July 26, 2012
Perhaps your career depends upon it?
Mark Bushey
7:10 pm on Thursday, July 26, 2012
The increase in so called "bullying" seems to be largely due to two things in my opinion:
A) The wussification of our children. Modern society doesn't teach kids how to accept failure and heartache at a young age. I'm not talking about the heartache of losing a parent. I'm talking about the heartache of being on a bad soccer team or getting a bad grade. We teach kids that even if they are on the worst team in a sport, they still get a trophy. Why? I'm not saying we should tell kids "you suck" at a young age. Plus, parents don't let their kids fall down, get rejected off a sport team, given a bad grade at a young age.
All of these moments of childhood are what shaped most of us adults to be who we are today. If we get knocked down, we'd bounce back. These kids who are getting "bullied" now never got knocked down before, and haven't been taught to bounce back.
Judy S. Freedman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.
7:28 pm on Thursday, July 26, 2012
Mark,
I absolutely agree with you that kids' coping are skills are weaker than even 10 - 15 years ago! I recall not too long ago that a school didn't not want kids to "lose" a student council election... so the whole election process was changed. As a school social worker, I always have an article regarding Michael Jordon not initially making his high school basketball team to share with kids. Kids develop coping skills when given the opportunities to cope. My bullying prevention work empowers kids with skills to handle teasing and bullying confidently and effectively.
Bucephalus
7:53 pm on Thursday, July 26, 2012
Perhaps Judy you can tell us all what school that was because that story sounds like a complete absurd urban legend.
Perhaps you can also tell us why students are so much "wussier" today than they were 10-15 years ago when suicide rates were at their lowest? I seem to recall hearing back then, when I was in high school, that there were many comments about how our generation was so much wussier than those students in the 70s and 80s.
Why should we believe that children today are wussier than those 10 years ago who were presumably wussier than 20 years ago, etc.? Frankly this just comes off as another, "pull up your pants, turn down your awful music, my generation never acted that way, back in my day, etc." article.
Bullying is a problem now, it was a problem 50 years ago, and it will be a problem 50 years in the future. So long as coercion and fear will work at subduing some people and empowering others, there will be bullying. The form it takes has changed with technology but today's students are no weaker than any other generation.
Mark Bushey
8:01 pm on Thursday, July 26, 2012
Bucephalus, it's the parents babying their children that is making them wussier. Their threats of lawsuits when their kids are "wronged". "My son didn't make the football team? I can sue you for that!" "My daughter has the best singing voice! She should be the star of the play! I'm going to the school board about this!" It's not the kid's fault, it's how we are raising them.
bill trudeau
8:50 pm on Thursday, July 26, 2012
Michael Jordan was cut his sophomore year (because he was too short) at Laney High, Wilmington NC.
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1193740/index.htm
Mark Bushey
7:10 pm on Thursday, July 26, 2012
B) The access to technology and social media. We, as parents, have to monitor what our kids do. There is NO reason a 10 year old needs a cell phone. If they are at a friends house, you can reach them there. If they are at the park, it probably isn't more than a couple blocks from your house. We didn't need cell phones when were kids. These days, kids use texting and social media as a platform to tease other kids. Then don't give kids access to that technology! Or supervise your children. Seems like supervision of kids has gone away.
I'm not saying all bullying is because of these things, I know it does happen. But I think parents are part to blame.
cannon
7:24 pm on Thursday, July 26, 2012
Maybe its also due to the fact that we have a licensed clinical social worker and bullying prevention, add a Green prior to licensed and you are going places. Lord knows we need to infuse Green into everything cause we ll feel better.
Mark Bushey
7:36 pm on Thursday, July 26, 2012
I understand towns like Lake Forest and Barrington have had a large amount of suicides in the past few years. It is a very sad thing, and I do feel bad for their families. But trending suicide is not a new thing. "Heathers", a 1988 film, was regarding trending suicide, and it was based on real life experience.
Also, the increase in teen suicides has risen, but it is also because in the mid 2000's, it was an all time low. Between 1994 and 2003, the rate of teenage suicide dropped 33%. Not a surprise it has risen since.
All of this is not to be an excuse for suicidal behavior. It is a serious issue even if only one kid takes their own life. However, kids haven't become meaner than they were 50 years ago. Kids are kids. It's the adults that make the impression on these kids.
Dr. Mark Solomon
7:55 pm on Thursday, July 26, 2012
I doubt there are any more bullies and/or that bullies act any more cruel than they did in the past. What is different, I believe, is the increased degree to which the kids who are neither bullies or targets tend to have more disdain for the target than the bully. I think it is a shame that kids who are quite capable of standing up to the bullies are generally inhibited or prevented from doing so: parents frequently tell their kids not to get involved and schools have "zero" tolerance rules that would treat and punish the kid who stepped in and taught the bully a social lesson (doing the right thing) the same as the bully himself.
Mark Bushey
7:57 pm on Thursday, July 26, 2012
I just wrote this comment on another post, but I think it stands true here:
Bullying has gotten worse because the lack of parental values and supervision. Children learn their values from their elders. One of the main reasons for bullying is because of homosexuality. As a society, we like to believe we are accepting of the gay lifestyle, and so teens are more open about their sexuality. Yet, everyday on the news we see people speaking out against homosexuality. It becomes an ongoing argument, and impressionable kids will believe it's a bad thing. It was the same thing 50+ years ago when white children believed black people were bad. Until the adults became accepting, the children themselves weren't.
We blame the kids for being bullies, but maybe we should look at ourselves as role models
McCloud
9:02 am on Friday, July 27, 2012
I'm labeled a Bully because I think that there are many larger problems in our country yet this one seems to be constantly reported and discussed. Isn't that a form of intolerance and Bullying unto itself?
Geneva Non-parent
12:20 pm on Friday, July 27, 2012
No, sir. You were ”labeled” as speaking like a bully for minimizing (in an agressive manner) the pain and concern of others , “ Time for little Timmy to toughen up, and Timmy's mom to stop …” Yes, there are larger problems in the world – many of them beyond our control. The problem of mean-spirited and hurtful behavior is something that can improve with our efforts.
Mark Bushey
1:02 pm on Friday, July 27, 2012
McCloud is not being a bully by saying that. You have the parents not taking responsibility for their children (typically the parent of the bullies) and parents babying their children too much (typically the parent of the child being "bullied") Not that true bullying isn't going on, but bullies have been around forever. It's not an excuse, but it's the truth. It is only being noticed more because of the media, and the epidemics the media likes us to believe are worse than they really are. There is nothing wrong in teaching a child who is being bullied how to stand up for themselves. That is better than running to the police, a lawyer, the school administration. Kids need to learn to stand up for themselves!
When you're a kid, there will always be someone bigger or meaner than you, and there will always be someone smaller than you that you will probably be mean to. It's a sad fact, but it's true. Teach your kids respect, teach them to stand up for themselves, keep them away from social media that causes more public humiliation. All of us as adults probably were involved in some sort of bullying at some point in our childhood, and we all turned out ok. But that was a different era that wasn't as litigious as the era we are in now.
Mike Terson
1:58 pm on Friday, July 27, 2012
In my opinion, saying that bullying takes place because parents coddle their children (wussification) is like saying that the cookies in the oven burned because you bought the flour and butter at the wrong store and paid too much. There might be 2 variables that exist, but one has nothing to do with the other.
I too agree that it doesn’t do us any good to not teach children how to lose games or elections; however, in my opinion that has nothing to do with the sort of aggressive destructive behavior that is bullying. It doesn’t matter how “wussified” someone might be, they should not have to be subjected to aggressive behavior that our civilized society has laws against. It is a basic human right. Would you argue that a woman who is the victim of domestic violence is so because her parents coddled her?
We very well might be wussifying our kids; but, in regards to bullying, that isn’t the problem. The problem is that our society still sees it as socially acceptable behavior, and tolerates and enables it.
Mark Bushey
2:13 pm on Friday, July 27, 2012
I am not saying that the only cause is because of coddling. There are plenty of reasons. But I do believe that teaching a kid to stand up for themselves will help cut down on the bullying.
Your example of domestic violence is a bit extreme. I am not talking about kids getting the crap beaten out of them. I am talking about the verbal taunting and pushing around.
McCloud
2:15 pm on Friday, July 27, 2012
I was labeled a Bully simply because I disagree with you. Point blank, my reasons given all of the other problems our country faces, seems to not be in agreement with you. If I'm not on board with you, I'm labeled, sounds very familar to what happens in today's world. I'm not a green guy, a global warming guy, a bully guy, a big government guy, a vegetarian, so I get a derogatory label, who's the Bully?
Mark Bushey
2:25 pm on Friday, July 27, 2012
http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/calif-student-sues-teacher-district-over-c-grade-190653943--abc-news-topstories.html
This is the type of coddling that I am talking about. Really, his parents are supporting him in this lawsuit? Suing for emotional and physical suffering? It sounds like the teacher is wrong, but suing over this?
Mike Terson
4:22 pm on Friday, July 27, 2012
Mr. Bushey,
My example of domestic violence is extreme...it is an example of extreme bullying. You might not be talking about extreme situations; however, verbal taunting and pushing around escalates to extreme situations. And, regardless, those less extreme instances are not tollerable either. It all needs to stop. No one has a right (child or adult) to bully or intimidate another person.
I have to think that if parents spent more time teaching there kids to not be bullies, rather than worrying about how tough thier child is, this problem wouldn't be as prevalent. To me, there is a difference between being mentally tough (where you can accept losing and things of that nature), and feeling that you need to be physically tough to protect yourself from people who want to hurt you.
J
9:23 am on Monday, July 30, 2012
There is the extreme and then there is the competitive bullying. Parents, from a young age teach their kids to be competitive even if it means twisting the facts, stealing or cheating to win. Controlling parents and abusive parents arre the worst offenders.. I know quite a few parents out there, not too long ago who compared their child to a disabled child in public and within earshot of the disabled child..The words cut through like a knife, impacting both children. Specifically. If 'so and so' (the disabled child) has an 'A', you are MUCH SMARTER then 'so and so', why do you have a 'B'? The parent stooped so low as to compare against a disabled child? Not sure how the test scores were publicized to begin with. The disabled child heard this and the other kids heard this. Who was being bullied, who was being put down and the parents did not even think it was an issue to publicly put down both their own children and the disabled person?
J
9:36 am on Monday, July 30, 2012
A friend's son was sad. I asked why, He was going into 6th grade regular math and his peers were teasing him because they were going into 6th grade advanced math and he was not. We talked for a while and I asked him the question to help put things into perspective: What grade are you in? He responded '6th grade'. I asked what level math he was going into. He responded '6th grade math'. He thought about it as I explained that he is right were he was supposed to be...in 6th grade taking 6th grade math. He quit worrying about were he was compared to the other kids and did quite well in school. He found me, when he graduated high school, and thanked me as he never forgot the conversation we had back when he was entering 6th grade. He got into a good college and as silly as it seems it was the same college as the bullies were going. Food for thought.
Judy S. Freedman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.
10:04 am on Monday, July 30, 2012
J-
Really wonderful food for thought!
Jessanique
10:51 pm on Monday, July 30, 2012
Bullying is wrong cause all kids are different right?? I mean come on now how would u feel if u were pick on I was bullyed but nor in a mean way am glad of who I am r u??? Stop bully now!!!!!!!!
Jessanique
10:53 pm on Monday, July 30, 2012
Kids should be nice not mean just cause their not really smart doesn't mean nothing at all??? stop bullying now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joanna Schneider
3:12 pm on Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Since there were a few comments regarding Judy's credentials, I did want to share the following. Just last year she was honored with the 2011 Social Worker of the Year Award by the Illinois Association of School Social Workers: http://patch.com/N-cFrd
Thanks for continuing to share your expertise with the community, Judy!